The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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What an awful time to have common sense.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)