Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
🖤✌🏽
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*