Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
what’s really going on
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Human are so complicated
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club