Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
that colleague who touches your screen
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”