Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.