went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped