-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
So the ex texted me
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
not for long
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut