If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
That stupid look on my face, is my face
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?