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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I鈥檓 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Ain鈥檛 no way
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We鈥檙e kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
i ordered the mcdonald鈥檚 land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it鈥檚 a fancy wine*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?