Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
i now pronounce you bounced.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Seems kinda suspicious
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.