7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.