The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
m’lady
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
There is wisdom there.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.