I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Ron is short for Aaronald
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer