From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know