One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
i wish i could marry a nap
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.