my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
get you a girl who
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.