Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words