9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum