[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Y’all know who you are.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.