she would like to bark at the manager, please.
You Might Also Like
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Your secret is safeish with me
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.