I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
bought wrong eggs
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.