I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I support this random dude and all his protests
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face