If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on