Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.