If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled