“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
You Might Also Like
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.