You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology