I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports