[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
He’s cranky this morning
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.