How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
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The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
mentally somewhere in italy
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Is this the real life?
Is this just