Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
This makes total sense…
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.