(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
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ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.