*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
my mom making me talk to relatives
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.