[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
oh you wanna fight?!
lmao
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO