Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Pickled cat.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick