In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
War & Peace
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.