If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions