Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When you don’t understand how floors work
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator