*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
New menu item
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.