{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
You Might Also Like
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
english majors be like furthermore
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
At least my masseuse has my back.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
The asteroid..