People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”