Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.