I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.