You Might Also Like
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What if the weather talks about us?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”