Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I will never stop laughing at this
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks