I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more