One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.