Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
This is the one
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”