Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.