What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
sistine chapel
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.